THE COMEDY OF ERRORS

by William Shakespeare

1594

Act III

SCENE I. Before the house of ANTIPHOLUS of Ephesus

    Enter ANTIPHOLUS of Ephesus, DROMIO of Ephesus, ANGELO, and BALTHAZAR

    ANTIPHOLUS

OF EPHESUS

    Good Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all;
    My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours:
    Say that I linger'd with you at your shop
    To see the making of her carcanet,
    And that to-morrow you will bring it home.
    But here's a villain that would face me down
    He met me on the mart, and that I beat him,
    And charged him with a thousand marks in gold,
    And that I did deny my wife and house.
    Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

    Say what you will, sir, but I know what I know;
    That you beat me at the mart, I have your hand to show:
    If the skin were parchment, and the blows you gave were ink,
    Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF EPHESUS

    I think thou art an ass.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

    Marry, so it doth appear
    By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.
    I should kick, being kick'd; and, being at that pass,
    You would keep from my heels and beware of an ass.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF EPHESUS

    You're sad, Signior Balthazar: pray God our cheer
    May answer my good will and your good welcome here.

BALTHAZAR

    I hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your
    welcome dear.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF EPHESUS

    O, Signior Balthazar, either at flesh or fish,
    A table full of welcome make scarce one dainty dish.

BALTHAZAR

    Good meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF EPHESUS

    And welcome more common; for that's nothing but words.

BALTHAZAR

    Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF EPHESUS

    Ay, to a niggardly host, and more sparing guest:
    But though my cates be mean, take them in good part;
    Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.
    But, soft! my door is lock'd. Go bid them let us in.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

    Maud, Bridget, Marian, Cicel, Gillian, Ginn!

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    [Within] Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb,
    idiot, patch!
    Either get thee from the door, or sit down at the hatch.
    Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call'st
    for such store,
    When one is one too many? Go, get thee from the door.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

    What patch is made our porter? My master stays in
    the street.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    [Within] Let him walk from whence he came, lest he
    catch cold on's feet.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF EPHESUS

    Who talks within there? ho, open the door!

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    [Within] Right, sir; I'll tell you when, an you tell
    me wherefore.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF EPHESUS

    Wherefore? for my dinner: I have not dined to-day.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    [Within] Nor to-day here you must not; come again
    when you may.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF EPHESUS

    What art thou that keepest me out from the house I owe?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    [Within] The porter for this time, sir, and my name
    is Dromio.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

    O villain! thou hast stolen both mine office and my name.
    The one ne'er got me credit, the other mickle blame.
    If thou hadst been Dromio to-day in my place,
    Thou wouldst have changed thy face for a name or thy
    name for an ass.

LUCE

    [Within] What a coil is there, Dromio? who are those
    at the gate?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

    Let my master in, Luce.

LUCE

    [Within] Faith, no; he comes too late;
    And so tell your master.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

    O Lord, I must laugh!
    Have at you with a proverb--Shall I set in my staff?

LUCE

    [Within] Have at you with another; that's--When?
    can you tell?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    [Within] If thy name be call'd Luce--Luce, thou hast
    answered him well.

ANTIPHOLUS

    Do you hear, you minion? you'll let us in, I hope?
    OF EPHESUS

LUCE

    [Within] I thought to have asked you.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    [Within] And you said no.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

    So, come, help: well struck! there was blow for blow.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF EPHESUS

    Thou baggage, let me in.

LUCE

    [Within] Can you tell for whose sake?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

    Master, knock the door hard.

LUCE

    [Within] Let him knock till it ache.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF EPHESUS

    You'll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down.

LUCE

    [Within] What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?

ADRIANA

    [Within] Who is that at the door that keeps all
    this noise?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    [Within] By my troth, your town is troubled with
    unruly boys.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF EPHESUS

    Are you there, wife? you might have come before.

ADRIANA

    [Within] Your wife, sir knave! go get you from the door.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

    If you went in pain, master, this 'knave' would go sore.

ANGELO

    Here is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome: we would
    fain have either.

BALTHAZAR

    In debating which was best, we shall part with neither.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

    They stand at the door, master; bid them welcome hither.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF EPHESUS

    There is something in the wind, that we cannot get in.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

    You would say so, master, if your garments were thin.
    Your cake there is warm within; you stand here in the cold:
    It would make a man mad as a buck, to be so bought and sold.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF EPHESUS

    Go fetch me something: I'll break ope the gate.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    [Within] Break any breaking here, and I'll break your
    knave's pate.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

    A man may break a word with you, sir, and words are but wind,
    Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    [Within] It seems thou want'st breaking: out upon
    thee, hind!

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

    Here's too much 'out upon thee!' I pray thee,
    let me in.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    [Within] Ay, when fowls have no feathers and fish have no fin.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF EPHESUS

    Well, I'll break in: go borrow me a crow.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS

    A crow without feather? Master, mean you so?
    For a fish without a fin, there's a fowl without a feather;
    If a crow help us in, sirrah, we'll pluck a crow together.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF EPHESUS

    Go get thee gone; fetch me an iron crow.

BALTHAZAR

    Have patience, sir; O, let it not be so!
    Herein you war against your reputation
    And draw within the compass of suspect
    The unviolated honour of your wife.
    Once this,--your long experience of her wisdom,
    Her sober virtue, years and modesty,
    Plead on her part some cause to you unknown:
    And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse
    Why at this time the doors are made against you.
    Be ruled by me: depart in patience,
    And let us to the Tiger all to dinner,
    And about evening come yourself alone
    To know the reason of this strange restraint.
    If by strong hand you offer to break in
    Now in the stirring passage of the day,
    A vulgar comment will be made of it,
    And that supposed by the common rout
    Against your yet ungalled estimation
    That may with foul intrusion enter in
    And dwell upon your grave when you are dead;
    For slander lives upon succession,
    For ever housed where it gets possession.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF EPHESUS

    You have prevailed: I will depart in quiet,
    And, in despite of mirth, mean to be merry.
    I know a wench of excellent discourse,
    Pretty and witty; wild, and yet, too, gentle:
    There will we dine. This woman that I mean,
    My wife--but, I protest, without desert--
    Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal:
    To her will we to dinner.

    To Angelo
    Get you home
    And fetch the chain; by this I know 'tis made:
    Bring it, I pray you, to the Porpentine;
    For there's the house: that chain will I bestow--
    Be it for nothing but to spite my wife--
    Upon mine hostess there: good sir, make haste.
    Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me,
    I'll knock elsewhere, to see if they'll disdain me.

ANGELO

    I'll meet you at that place some hour hence.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF EPHESUS

    Do so. This jest shall cost me some expense.

    Exeunt 

SCENE II. The same

    Enter LUCIANA and ANTIPHOLUS of Syracuse

LUCIANA

    And may it be that you have quite forgot
    A husband's office? shall, Antipholus.
    Even in the spring of love, thy love-springs rot?
    Shall love, in building, grow so ruinous?
    If you did wed my sister for her wealth,
    Then for her wealth's sake use her with more kindness:
    Or if you like elsewhere, do it by stealth;
    Muffle your false love with some show of blindness:
    Let not my sister read it in your eye;
    Be not thy tongue thy own shame's orator;
    Look sweet, be fair, become disloyalty;
    Apparel vice like virtue's harbinger;
    Bear a fair presence, though your heart be tainted;
    Teach sin the carriage of a holy saint;
    Be secret-false: what need she be acquainted?
    What simple thief brags of his own attaint?
    'Tis double wrong, to truant with your bed
    And let her read it in thy looks at board:
    Shame hath a bastard fame, well managed;
    Ill d eeds are doubled with an evil word.
    Alas, poor women! make us but believe,
    Being compact of credit, that you love us;
    Though others have the arm, show us the sleeve;
    We in your motion turn and you may move us.
    Then, gentle brother, get you in again;
    Comfort my sister, cheer her, call her wife:
    'Tis holy sport to be a little vain,
    When the sweet breath of flattery conquers strife.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    Sweet mistress--what your name is else, I know not,
    Nor by what wonder you do hit of mine,--
    Less in your knowledge and your grace you show not
    Than our earth's wonder, more than earth divine.
    Teach me, dear creature, how to think and speak;
    Lay open to my earthy-gross conceit,
    Smother'd in errors, feeble, shallow, weak,
    The folded meaning of your words' deceit.
    Against my soul's pure truth why labour you
    To make it wander in an unknown field?
    Are you a god? would you create me new?
    Transform me then, and to your power I'll yield.
    But if that I am I, then well I know
    Your weeping sister is no wife of mine,
    Nor to her bed no homage do I owe
    Far more, far more to you do I decline.
    O, train me not, sweet mermaid, with thy note,
    To drown me in thy sister's flood of tears:
    Sing, siren, for thyself and I will dote:
    Spread o'er the silver waves thy golden hairs,
    And as a bed I'll take them and there lie,
    And in that glorious supposition think
    He gains by death that hath such means to die:
    Let Love, being light, be drowned if she sink!

LUCIANA

    What, are you mad, that you do reason so?
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    Not mad, but mated; how, I do not know.

LUCIANA

    It is a fault that springeth from your eye.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    For gazing on your beams, fair sun, being by.

LUCIANA

    Gaze where you should, and that will clear your sight.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    As good to wink, sweet love, as look on night.

LUCIANA

    Why call you me love? call my sister so.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    Thy sister's sister.

LUCIANA

    That's my sister.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    No;
    It is thyself, mine own self's better part,
    Mine eye's clear eye, my dear heart's dearer heart,
    My food, my fortune and my sweet hope's aim,
    My sole earth's heaven and my heaven's claim.

LUCIANA

    All this my sister is, or else should be.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    Call thyself sister, sweet, for I am thee.
    Thee will I love and with thee lead my life:
    Thou hast no husband yet nor I no wife.
    Give me thy hand.

LUCIANA

    O, soft, air! hold you still:
    I'll fetch my sister, to get her good will.

    Exit

    Enter DROMIO of Syracuse
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    Why, how now, Dromio! where runn'st thou so fast?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    Do you know me, sir? am I Dromio? am I your man?
    am I myself?
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    Thou art Dromio, thou art my man, thou art thyself.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    I am an ass, I am a woman's man and besides myself.

ANTIPHOLUS

    What woman's man? and how besides thyself? besides thyself?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    Marry, sir, besides myself, I am due to a woman; one
    that claims me, one that haunts me, one that will have me.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    What claim lays she to thee?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    Marry sir, such claim as you would lay to your
    horse; and she would have me as a beast: not that, I
    being a beast, she would have me; but that she,
    being a very beastly creature, lays claim to me.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    What is she?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    A very reverent body; ay, such a one as a man may
    not speak of without he say 'Sir-reverence.' I have
    but lean luck in the match, and yet is she a
    wondrous fat marriage.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    How dost thou mean a fat marriage?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    Marry, sir, she's the kitchen wench and all grease;
    and I know not what use to put her to but to make a
    lamp of her and run from her by her own light. I
    warrant, her rags and the tallow in them will burn a
    Poland winter: if she lives till doomsday,
    she'll burn a week longer than the whole world.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    What complexion is she of?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    Swart, like my shoe, but her face nothing half so
    clean kept: for why, she sweats; a man may go over
    shoes in the grime of it.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    That's a fault that water will mend.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    No, sir, 'tis in grain; Noah's flood could not do it.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    What's her name?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    Nell, sir; but her name and three quarters, that's
    an ell and three quarters, will not measure her from
    hip to hip.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    Then she bears some breadth?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    No longer from head to foot than from hip to hip:
    she is spherical, like a globe; I could find out
    countries in her.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    In what part of her body stands Ireland?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    Marry, in her buttocks: I found it out by the bogs.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    Where Scotland?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    I found it by the barrenness; hard in the palm of the hand.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    Where France?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    In her forehead; armed and reverted, making war
    against her heir.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    Where England?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    I looked for the chalky cliffs, but I could find no
    whiteness in them; but I guess it stood in her chin,
    by the salt rheum that ran between France and it.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    Where Spain?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    Faith, I saw it not; but I felt it hot in her breath.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    Where America, the Indies?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    Oh, sir, upon her nose all o'er embellished with
    rubies, carbuncles, sapphires, declining their rich
    aspect to the hot breath of Spain; who sent whole
    armadoes of caracks to be ballast at her nose.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    Where stood Belgia, the Netherlands?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    Oh, sir, I did not look so low. To conclude, this
    drudge, or diviner, laid claim to me, call'd me
    Dromio; swore I was assured to her; told me what
    privy marks I had about me, as, the mark of my
    shoulder, the mole in my neck, the great wart on my
    left arm, that I amazed ran from her as a witch:
    And, I think, if my breast had not been made of
    faith and my heart of steel,
    She had transform'd me to a curtal dog and made
    me turn i' the wheel.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    Go hie thee presently, post to the road:
    An if the wind blow any way from shore,
    I will not harbour in this town to-night:
    If any bark put forth, come to the mart,
    Where I will walk till thou return to me.
    If every one knows us and we know none,
    'Tis time, I think, to trudge, pack and be gone.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE

    As from a bear a man would run for life,
    So fly I from her that would be my wife.

    Exit
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    There's none but witches do inhabit here;
    And therefore 'tis high time that I were hence.
    She that doth call me husband, even my soul
    Doth for a wife abhor. But her fair sister,
    Possess'd with such a gentle sovereign grace,
    Of such enchanting presence and discourse,
    Hath almost made me traitor to myself:
    But, lest myself be guilty to self-wrong,
    I'll stop mine ears against the mermaid's song.

    Enter ANGELO with the chain

ANGELO

    Master Antipholus,--
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    Ay, that's my name.

ANGELO

    I know it well, sir, lo, here is the chain.
    I thought to have ta'en you at the Porpentine:
    The chain unfinish'd made me stay thus long.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    What is your will that I shall do with this?

ANGELO

    What please yourself, sir: I have made it for you.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    Made it for me, sir! I bespoke it not.

ANGELO

    Not once, nor twice, but twenty times you have.
    Go home with it and please your wife withal;
    And soon at supper-time I'll visit you
    And then receive my money for the chain.
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    I pray you, sir, receive the money now,
    For fear you ne'er see chain nor money more.

ANGELO

    You are a merry man, sir: fare you well.

    Exit
    ANTIPHOLUS

OF SYRACUSE

    What I should think of this, I cannot tell:
    But this I think, there's no man is so vain
    That would refuse so fair an offer'd chain.
    I see a man here needs not live by shifts,
    When in the streets he meets such golden gifts.
    I'll to the mart, and there for Dromio stay
    If any ship put out, then straight away.

    Exit

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