THE MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR by William Shakespeare c. 1597 Act III

SCENE I. A field near Frogmore.     Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE SIR HUGH EVANS     I pray you now, good master Slender's serving-man,     and friend Simple by your name, which way have you     looked for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor of physic? SIMPLE     Marry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward, every     way; old Windsor way, and every way but the town     way. SIR HUGH EVANS     I most fehemently desire you you will also look that     way. SIMPLE     I will, sir.     Exit SIR HUGH EVANS     'Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, and     trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have     deceived me. How melancholies I am! I will knog     his urinals about his knave's costard when I have     good opportunities for the ork. 'Pless my soul!     Sings     To shallow rivers, to whose falls     Melodious birds sings madrigals;     There will we make our peds of roses,     And a thousand fragrant posies.     To shallow--     Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.     Sings     Melodious birds sing madrigals--     When as I sat in Pabylon--     And a thousand vagram posies.     To shallow & c.     Re-enter SIMPLE SIMPLE     Yonder he is coming, this way, Sir Hugh. SIR HUGH EVANS     He's welcome.     Sings     To shallow rivers, to whose falls-     Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he? SIMPLE     No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master     Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over     the stile, this way. SIR HUGH EVANS     Pray you, give me my gown; or else keep it in your arms.     Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER SHALLOW     How now, master Parson! Good morrow, good Sir Hugh.     Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student     from his book, and it is wonderful. SLENDER     [Aside] Ah, sweet Anne Page! PAGE     'Save you, good Sir Hugh! SIR HUGH EVANS     'Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you! SHALLOW     What, the sword and the word! do you study them     both, master parson? PAGE     And youthful still! in your doublet and hose this     raw rheumatic day! SIR HUGH EVANS     There is reasons and causes for it. PAGE     We are come to you to do a good office, master parson. SIR HUGH EVANS     Fery well: what is it? PAGE     Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike     having received wrong by some person, is at most     odds with his own gravity and patience that ever you     saw. SHALLOW     I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never     heard a man of his place, gravity and learning, so     wide of his own respect. SIR HUGH EVANS     What is he? PAGE     I think you know him; Master Doctor Caius, the     renowned French physician. SIR HUGH EVANS     Got's will, and his passion of my heart! I had as     lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge. PAGE     Why? SIR HUGH EVANS     He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and Galen,     --and he is a knave besides; a cowardly knave as you     would desires to be acquainted withal. PAGE     I warrant you, he's the man should fight with him. SHALLOW     [Aside] O sweet Anne Page! SHALLOW     It appears so by his weapons. Keep them asunder:     here comes Doctor Caius.     Enter Host, DOCTOR CAIUS, and RUGBY PAGE     Nay, good master parson, keep in your weapon. SHALLOW     So do you, good master doctor. Host     Disarm them, and let them question: let them keep     their limbs whole and hack our English. DOCTOR CAIUS     I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear.     Vherefore vill you not meet-a me? SIR HUGH EVANS     [Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS] Pray you, use your patience:     in good time. DOCTOR CAIUS     By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape. SIR HUGH EVANS     [Aside to DOCTOR CAIUS] Pray you let us not be     laughing-stocks to other men's humours; I desire you     in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends.     Aloud     I will knog your urinals about your knave's cockscomb     for missing your meetings and appointments. DOCTOR CAIUS     Diable! Jack Rugby,--mine host de Jarteer,--have I     not stay for him to kill him? have I not, at de place     I did appoint? SIR HUGH EVANS     As I am a Christians soul now, look you, this is the     place appointed: I'll be judgement by mine host of     the Garter. Host     Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh,     soul-curer and body-curer! DOCTOR CAIUS     Ay, dat is very good; excellent. Host     Peace, I say! hear mine host of the Garter. Am I     politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I     lose my doctor? no; he gives me the potions and the     motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir     Hugh? no; he gives me the proverbs and the     no-verbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so. Give me     thy hand, celestial; so. Boys of art, I have     deceived you both; I have directed you to wrong     places: your hearts are mighty, your skins are     whole, and let burnt sack be the issue. Come, lay     their swords to pawn. Follow me, lads of peace;     follow, follow, follow. SHALLOW     Trust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen, follow. SLENDER     [Aside] O sweet Anne Page!     Exeunt SHALLOW, SLENDER, PAGE, and Host DOCTOR CAIUS     Ha, do I perceive dat? have you make-a de sot of     us, ha, ha? SIR HUGH EVANS     This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. I     desire you that we may be friends; and let us knog     our prains together to be revenge on this same     scall, scurvy cogging companion, the host of the Garter. DOCTOR CAIUS     By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me     where is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too. SIR HUGH EVANS     Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you, follow.     Exeunt SCENE II. A street.     Enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN MISTRESS PAGE     Nay, keep your way, little gallant; you were wont to     be a follower, but now you are a leader. Whether     had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master's heels? ROBIN     I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man     than follow him like a dwarf. MISTRESS PAGE     O, you are a flattering boy: now I see you'll be a courtier.     Enter FORD FORD     Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you? MISTRESS PAGE     Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home? FORD     Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for want     of company. I think, if your husbands were dead,     you two would marry. MISTRESS PAGE     Be sure of that,--two other husbands. FORD     Where had you this pretty weather-cock? MISTRESS PAGE     I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my     husband had him of. What do you call your knight's     name, sirrah? ROBIN     Sir John Falstaff. FORD     Sir John Falstaff! MISTRESS PAGE     He, he; I can never hit on's name. There is such a     league between my good man and he! Is your wife at     home indeed? FORD     Indeed she is. MISTRESS PAGE     By your leave, sir: I am sick till I see her.     Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN FORD     Has Page any brains? hath he any eyes? hath he any     thinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them.     Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile, as     easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve     score. He pieces out his wife's inclination; he     gives her folly motion and advantage: and now she's     going to my wife, and Falstaff's boy with her. A     man may hear this shower sing in the wind. And     Falstaff's boy with her! Good plots, they are laid;     and our revolted wives share damnation together.     Well; I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck     the borrowed veil of modesty from the so seeming     Mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure and     wilful Actaeon; and to these violent proceedings all     my neighbours shall cry aim.     Clock heard     The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me     search: there I shall find Falstaff: I shall be     rather praised for this than mocked; for it is as     positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is     there: I will go.     Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, SLENDER, Host, SIR HUGH EVANS, DOCTOR CAIUS, and RUGBY SHALLOW PAGE & C     Well met, Master Ford. FORD     Trust me, a good knot: I have good cheer at home;     and I pray you all go with me. SHALLOW     I must excuse myself, Master Ford. SLENDER     And so must I, sir: we have appointed to dine with     Mistress Anne, and I would not break with her for     more money than I'll speak of. SHALLOW     We have lingered about a match between Anne Page and     my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our answer. SLENDER     I hope I have your good will, father Page. PAGE     You have, Master Slender; I stand wholly for you:     but my wife, master doctor, is for you altogether. DOCTOR CAIUS     Ay, be-gar; and de maid is love-a me: my nursh-a     Quickly tell me so mush. Host     What say you to young Master Fenton? he capers, he     dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he     speaks holiday, he smells April and May: he will     carry't, he will carry't; 'tis in his buttons; he     will carry't. PAGE     Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is     of no having: he kept company with the wild prince     and Poins; he is of too high a region; he knows too     much. No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes     with the finger of my substance: if he take her,     let him take her simply; the wealth I have waits on     my consent, and my consent goes not that way. FORD     I beseech you heartily, some of you go home with me     to dinner: besides your cheer, you shall have     sport; I will show you a monster. Master doctor,     you shall go; so shall you, Master Page; and you, Sir Hugh. SHALLOW     Well, fare you well: we shall have the freer wooing     at Master Page's.     Exeunt SHALLOW, and SLENDER DOCTOR CAIUS     Go home, John Rugby; I come anon.     Exit RUGBY Host     Farewell, my hearts: I will to my honest knight     Falstaff, and drink canary with him.     Exit FORD     [Aside] I think I shall drink in pipe wine first     with him; I'll make him dance. Will you go, gentles? All     Have with you to see this monster.     Exeunt  SCENE III. A room in FORD'S house.     Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE MISTRESS FORD     What, John! What, Robert! MISTRESS PAGE     Quickly, quickly! is the buck-basket-- MISTRESS FORD     I warrant. What, Robin, I say!     Enter Servants with a basket MISTRESS PAGE     Come, come, come. MISTRESS FORD     Here, set it down. MISTRESS PAGE     Give your men the charge; we must be brief. MISTRESS FORD     Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be     ready here hard by in the brew-house: and when I     suddenly call you, come forth, and without any pause     or staggering take this basket on your shoulders:     that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry     it among the whitsters in Datchet-mead, and there     empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side. MISTRESS PAGE     You will do it? MISTRESS FORD     I ha' told them over and over; they lack no     direction. Be gone, and come when you are called.     Exeunt Servants MISTRESS PAGE     Here comes little Robin.     Enter ROBIN MISTRESS FORD     How now, my eyas-musket! what news with you? ROBIN     My master, Sir John, is come in at your back-door,     Mistress Ford, and requests your company. MISTRESS PAGE     You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us? ROBIN     Ay, I'll be sworn. My master knows not of your     being here and hath threatened to put me into     everlasting liberty if I tell you of it; for he     swears he'll turn me away. MISTRESS PAGE     Thou'rt a good boy: this secrecy of thine shall be     a tailor to thee and shall make thee a new doublet     and hose. I'll go hide me. MISTRESS FORD     Do so. Go tell thy master I am alone.     Exit ROBIN     Mistress Page, remember you your cue. MISTRESS PAGE     I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me.     Exit MISTRESS FORD     Go to, then: we'll use this unwholesome humidity,     this gross watery pumpion; we'll teach him to know     turtles from jays.     Enter FALSTAFF FALSTAFF     Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now let     me die, for I have lived long enough: this is the     period of my ambition: O this blessed hour! MISTRESS FORD     O sweet Sir John! FALSTAFF     Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate,     Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would     thy husband were dead: I'll speak it before the     best lord; I would make thee my lady. MISTRESS FORD     I your lady, Sir John! alas, I should be a pitiful lady! FALSTAFF     Let the court of France show me such another. I see     how thine eye would emulate the diamond: thou hast     the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the     ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of     Venetian admittance. MISTRESS FORD     A plain kerchief, Sir John: my brows become nothing     else; nor that well neither. FALSTAFF     By the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so: thou     wouldst make an absolute courtier; and the firm     fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion     to thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale. I see     what thou wert, if Fortune thy foe were not, Nature     thy friend. Come, thou canst not hide it. MISTRESS FORD     Believe me, there is no such thing in me. FALSTAFF     What made me love thee? let that persuade thee     there's something extraordinary in thee. Come, I     cannot cog and say thou art this and that, like a     many of these lisping hawthorn-buds, that come like     women in men's apparel, and smell like Bucklersbury     in simple time; I cannot: but I love thee; none     but thee; and thou deservest it. MISTRESS FORD     Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress Page. FALSTAFF     Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the     Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek     of a lime-kiln. MISTRESS FORD     Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall one     day find it. FALSTAFF     Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it. MISTRESS FORD     Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could not     be in that mind. ROBIN     [Within] Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! here's     Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and     looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently. FALSTAFF     She shall not see me: I will ensconce me behind the arras. MISTRESS FORD     Pray you, do so: she's a very tattling woman.     FALSTAFF hides himself     Re-enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN     What's the matter? how now! MISTRESS PAGE     O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You're shamed,     you're overthrown, you're undone for ever! MISTRESS FORD     What's the matter, good Mistress Page? MISTRESS PAGE     O well-a-day, Mistress Ford! having an honest man     to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion! MISTRESS FORD     What cause of suspicion? MISTRESS PAGE     What cause of suspicion! Out pon you! how am I     mistook in you! MISTRESS FORD     Why, alas, what's the matter? MISTRESS PAGE     Your husband's coming hither, woman, with all the     officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that     he says is here now in the house by your consent, to     take an ill advantage of his assence: you are undone. MISTRESS FORD     'Tis not so, I hope. MISTRESS PAGE     Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such a man     here! but 'tis most certain your husband's coming,     with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a     one. I come before to tell you. If you know     yourself clear, why, I am glad of it; but if you     have a friend here convey, convey him out. Be not     amazed; call all your senses to you; defend your     reputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever. MISTRESS FORD     What shall I do? There is a gentleman my dear     friend; and I fear not mine own shame so much as his     peril: I had rather than a thousand pound he were     out of the house. MISTRESS PAGE     For shame! never stand 'you had rather' and 'you     had rather:' your husband's here at hand, bethink     you of some conveyance: in the house you cannot     hide him. O, how have you deceived me! Look, here     is a basket: if he be of any reasonable stature, he     may creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him, as     if it were going to bucking: or--it is whiting-time     --send him by your two men to Datchet-mead. MISTRESS FORD     He's too big to go in there. What shall I do? FALSTAFF     [Coming forward] Let me see't, let me see't, O, let     me see't! I'll in, I'll in. Follow your friend's     counsel. I'll in. MISTRESS PAGE     What, Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, knight? FALSTAFF     I love thee. Help me away. Let me creep in here.     I'll never--     Gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linen MISTRESS PAGE     Help to cover your master, boy. Call your men,     Mistress Ford. You dissembling knight! MISTRESS FORD     What, John! Robert! John!     Exit ROBIN     Re-enter Servants     Go take up these clothes here quickly. Where's the     cowl-staff? look, how you drumble! Carry them to     the laundress in Datchet-meat; quickly, come.     Enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS FORD     Pray you, come near: if I suspect without cause,     why then make sport at me; then let me be your jest;     I deserve it. How now! whither bear you this? Servant     To the laundress, forsooth. MISTRESS FORD     Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You     were best meddle with buck-washing. FORD     Buck! I would I could wash myself of the buck!     Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck; I warrant you, buck;     and of the season too, it shall appear.     Exeunt Servants with the basket     Gentlemen, I have dreamed to-night; I'll tell you my     dream. Here, here, here be my keys: ascend my     chambers; search, seek, find out: I'll warrant     we'll unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first.     Locking the door     So, now uncape. PAGE     Good Master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much. FORD     True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen: you shall see     sport anon: follow me, gentlemen.     Exit SIR HUGH EVANS     This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies. DOCTOR CAIUS     By gar, 'tis no the fashion of France; it is not     jealous in France. PAGE     Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search.     Exeunt PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS MISTRESS PAGE     Is there not a double excellency in this? MISTRESS FORD     I know not which pleases me better, that my husband     is deceived, or Sir John. MISTRESS PAGE     What a taking was he in when your husband asked who     was in the basket! MISTRESS FORD     I am half afraid he will have need of washing; so     throwing him into the water will do him a benefit. MISTRESS PAGE     Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the same     strain were in the same distress. MISTRESS FORD     I think my husband hath some special suspicion of     Falstaff's being here; for I never saw him so gross     in his jealousy till now. MISTRESS PAGE     I will lay a plot to try that; and we will yet have     more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease will     scarce obey this medicine. MISTRESS FORD     Shall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress     Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the     water; and give him another hope, to betray him to     another punishment? MISTRESS PAGE     We will do it: let him be sent for to-morrow,     eight o'clock, to have amends.     Re-enter FORD, PAGE, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS FORD     I cannot find him: may be the knave bragged of that     he could not compass. MISTRESS PAGE     [Aside to MISTRESS FORD] Heard you that? MISTRESS FORD     You use me well, Master Ford, do you? FORD     Ay, I do so. MISTRESS FORD     Heaven make you better than your thoughts! FORD     Amen! MISTRESS PAGE     You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford. FORD     Ay, ay; I must bear it. SIR HUGH EVANS     If there be any pody in the house, and in the     chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses,     heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment! DOCTOR CAIUS     By gar, nor I too: there is no bodies. PAGE     Fie, fie, Master Ford! are you not ashamed? What     spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I     would not ha' your distemper in this kind for the     wealth of Windsor Castle. FORD     'Tis my fault, Master Page: I suffer for it. SIR HUGH EVANS     You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is as     honest a 'omans as I will desires among five     thousand, and five hundred too. DOCTOR CAIUS     By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman. FORD     Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk in     the Park: I pray you, pardon me; I will hereafter     make known to you why I have done this. Come,     wife; come, Mistress Page. I pray you, pardon me;     pray heartily, pardon me. PAGE     Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll mock     him. I do invite you to-morrow morning to my house     to breakfast: after, we'll a-birding together; I     have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be so? FORD     Any thing. SIR HUGH EVANS     If there is one, I shall make two in the company. DOCTOR CAIUS     If dere be one or two, I shall make-a the turd. FORD     Pray you, go, Master Page. SIR HUGH EVANS     I pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on the lousy     knave, mine host. DOCTOR CAIUS     Dat is good; by gar, with all my heart! SIR HUGH EVANS     A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries!     Exeunt  SCENE IV. A room in PAGE'S house.     Enter FENTON and ANNE PAGE FENTON     I see I cannot get thy father's love;     Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan. ANNE PAGE     Alas, how then? FENTON     Why, thou must be thyself.     He doth object I am too great of birth--,     And that, my state being gall'd with my expense,     I seek to heal it only by his wealth:     Besides these, other bars he lays before me,     My riots past, my wild societies;     And tells me 'tis a thing impossible     I should love thee but as a property. ANNE PAGE     May be he tells you true. FENTON     No, heaven so speed me in my time to come!     Albeit I will confess thy father's wealth     Was the first motive that I woo'd thee, Anne:     Yet, wooing thee, I found thee of more value     Than stamps in gold or sums in sealed bags;     And 'tis the very riches of thyself     That now I aim at. ANNE PAGE     Gentle Master Fenton,     Yet seek my father's love; still seek it, sir:     If opportunity and humblest suit     Cannot attain it, why, then,--hark you hither!     They converse apart     Enter SHALLOW, SLENDER, and MISTRESS QUICKLY SHALLOW     Break their talk, Mistress Quickly: my kinsman shall     speak for himself. SLENDER     I'll make a shaft or a bolt on't: 'slid, 'tis but     venturing. SHALLOW     Be not dismayed. SLENDER     No, she shall not dismay me: I care not for that,     but that I am afeard. MISTRESS QUICKLY     Hark ye; Master Slender would speak a word with you. ANNE PAGE     I come to him.     Aside     This is my father's choice.     O, what a world of vile ill-favor'd faults     Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a-year! MISTRESS QUICKLY     And how does good Master Fenton? Pray you, a word with you. SHALLOW     She's coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou hadst a father! SLENDER     I had a father, Mistress Anne; my uncle can tell you     good jests of him. Pray you, uncle, tell Mistress     Anne the jest, how my father stole two geese out of     a pen, good uncle. SHALLOW     Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you. SLENDER     Ay, that I do; as well as I love any woman in     Gloucestershire. SHALLOW     He will maintain you like a gentlewoman. SLENDER     Ay, that I will, come cut and long-tail, under the     degree of a squire. SHALLOW     He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds jointure. ANNE PAGE     Good Master Shallow, let him woo for himself. SHALLOW     Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for that good     comfort. She calls you, coz: I'll leave you. ANNE PAGE     Now, Master Slender,-- SLENDER     Now, good Mistress Anne,-- ANNE PAGE     What is your will? SLENDER     My will! 'od's heartlings, that's a pretty jest     indeed! I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven; I     am not such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise. ANNE PAGE     I mean, Master Slender, what would you with me? SLENDER     Truly, for mine own part, I would little or nothing     with you. Your father and my uncle hath made     motions: if it be my luck, so; if not, happy man be     his dole! They can tell you how things go better     than I can: you may ask your father; here he comes.     Enter PAGE and MISTRESS PAGE PAGE     Now, Master Slender: love him, daughter Anne.     Why, how now! what does Master Fenton here?     You wrong me, sir, thus still to haunt my house:     I told you, sir, my daughter is disposed of. FENTON     Nay, Master Page, be not impatient. MISTRESS PAGE     Good Master Fenton, come not to my child. PAGE     She is no match for you. FENTON     Sir, will you hear me? PAGE     No, good Master Fenton.     Come, Master Shallow; come, son Slender, in.     Knowing my mind, you wrong me, Master Fenton.     Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER MISTRESS QUICKLY     Speak to Mistress Page. FENTON     Good Mistress Page, for that I love your daughter     In such a righteous fashion as I do,     Perforce, against all cheques, rebukes and manners,     I must advance the colours of my love     And not retire: let me have your good will. ANNE PAGE     Good mother, do not marry me to yond fool. MISTRESS PAGE     I mean it not; I seek you a better husband. MISTRESS QUICKLY     That's my master, master doctor. ANNE PAGE     Alas, I had rather be set quick i' the earth     And bowl'd to death with turnips! MISTRESS PAGE     Come, trouble not yourself. Good Master Fenton,     I will not be your friend nor enemy:     My daughter will I question how she loves you,     And as I find her, so am I affected.     Till then farewell, sir: she must needs go in;     Her father will be angry. FENTON     Farewell, gentle mistress: farewell, Nan.     Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE and ANNE PAGE MISTRESS QUICKLY     This is my doing, now: 'Nay,' said I, 'will you cast     away your child on a fool, and a physician? Look on     Master Fenton:' this is my doing. FENTON     I thank thee; and I pray thee, once to-night     Give my sweet Nan this ring: there's for thy pains. MISTRESS QUICKLY     Now heaven send thee good fortune!     Exit FENTON     A kind heart he hath: a woman would run through     fire and water for such a kind heart. But yet I     would my master had Mistress Anne; or I would     Master Slender had her; or, in sooth, I would Master     Fenton had her; I will do what I can for them all     three; for so I have promised, and I'll be as good     as my word; but speciously for Master Fenton. Well,     I must of another errand to Sir John Falstaff from     my two mistresses: what a beast am I to slack it!     Exit SCENE V. A room in the Garter Inn.     Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH FALSTAFF     Bardolph, I say,-- BARDOLPH     Here, sir. FALSTAFF     Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in't.     Exit BARDOLPH     Have I lived to be carried in a basket, like a     barrow of butcher's offal, and to be thrown in the     Thames? Well, if I be served such another trick,     I'll have my brains ta'en out and buttered, and give     them to a dog for a new-year's gift. The rogues     slighted me into the river with as little remorse as     they would have drowned a blind bitch's puppies,     fifteen i' the litter: and you may know by my size     that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the     bottom were as deep as hell, I should down. I had     been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy and     shallow,--a death that I abhor; for the water swells     a man; and what a thing should I have been when I     had been swelled! I should have been a mountain of mummy.     Re-enter BARDOLPH with sack BARDOLPH     Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you. FALSTAFF     Let me pour in some sack to the Thames water; for my     belly's as cold as if I had swallowed snowballs for     pills to cool the reins. Call her in. BARDOLPH     Come in, woman!     Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY MISTRESS QUICKLY     By your leave; I cry you mercy: give your worship     good morrow. FALSTAFF     Take away these chalices. Go brew me a pottle of     sack finely. BARDOLPH     With eggs, sir? FALSTAFF     Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my brewage.     Exit BARDOLPH     How now! MISTRESS QUICKLY     Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress Ford. FALSTAFF     Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was thrown     into the ford; I have my belly full of ford. MISTRESS QUICKLY     Alas the day! good heart, that was not her fault:     she does so take on with her men; they mistook their erection. FALSTAFF     So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's promise. MISTRESS QUICKLY     Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn     your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning     a-birding; she desires you once more to come to her     between eight and nine: I must carry her word     quickly: she'll make you amends, I warrant you. FALSTAFF     Well, I will visit her: tell her so; and bid her     think what a man is: let her consider his frailty,     and then judge of my merit. MISTRESS QUICKLY     I will tell her. FALSTAFF     Do so. Between nine and ten, sayest thou? MISTRESS QUICKLY     Eight and nine, sir. FALSTAFF     Well, be gone: I will not miss her. MISTRESS QUICKLY     Peace be with you, sir.     Exit FALSTAFF     I marvel I hear not of Master Brook; he sent me word     to stay within: I like his money well. O, here he comes.     Enter FORD FORD     Bless you, sir! FALSTAFF     Now, master Brook, you come to know what hath passed     between me and Ford's wife? FORD     That, indeed, Sir John, is my business. FALSTAFF     Master Brook, I will not lie to you: I was at her     house the hour she appointed me. FORD     And sped you, sir? FALSTAFF     Very ill-favoredly, Master Brook. FORD     How so, sir? Did she change her determination? FALSTAFF     No, Master Brook; but the peaking Cornuto her     husband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual     'larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of our     encounter, after we had embraced, kissed, protested,     and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy;     and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thither     provoked and instigated by his distemper, and,     forsooth, to search his house for his wife's love. FORD     What, while you were there? FALSTAFF     While I was there. FORD     And did he search for you, and could not find you? FALSTAFF     You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comes     in one Mistress Page; gives intelligence of Ford's     approach; and, in her invention and Ford's wife's     distraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket. FORD     A buck-basket! FALSTAFF     By the Lord, a buck-basket! rammed me in with foul     shirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasy     napkins; that, Master Brook, there was the rankest     compound of villanous smell that ever offended nostril. FORD     And how long lay you there? FALSTAFF     Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I have     suffered to bring this woman to evil for your good.     Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford's     knaves, his hinds, were called forth by their     mistress to carry me in the name of foul clothes to     Datchet-lane: they took me on their shoulders; met     the jealous knave their master in the door, who     asked them once or twice what they had in their     basket: I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knave     would have searched it; but fate, ordaining he     should be a cuckold, held his hand. Well: on went he     for a search, and away went I for foul clothes. But     mark the sequel, Master Brook: I suffered the pangs     of three several deaths; first, an intolerable     fright, to be detected with a jealous rotten     bell-wether; next, to be compassed, like a good     bilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt to     point, heel to head; and then, to be stopped in,     like a strong distillation, with stinking clothes     that fretted in their own grease: think of that,--a     man of my kidney,--think of that,--that am as subject     to heat as butter; a man of continual dissolution     and thaw: it was a miracle to scape suffocation.     And in the height of this bath, when I was more than     half stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to be     thrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot,     in that surge, like a horse-shoe; think of     that,--hissing hot,--think of that, Master Brook. FORD     In good sadness, I am sorry that for my sake you     have sufferd all this. My suit then is desperate;     you'll undertake her no more? FALSTAFF     Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I have     been into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Her     husband is this morning gone a-birding: I have     received from her another embassy of meeting; 'twixt     eight and nine is the hour, Master Brook. FORD     'Tis past eight already, sir. FALSTAFF     Is it? I will then address me to my appointment.     Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shall     know how I speed; and the conclusion shall be     crowned with your enjoying her. Adieu. You shall     have her, Master Brook; Master Brook, you shall     cuckold Ford.     Exit FORD     Hum! ha! is this a vision? is this a dream? do I     sleep? Master Ford awake! awake, Master Ford!     there's a hole made in your best coat, Master Ford.     This 'tis to be married! this 'tis to have linen     and buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim myself     what I am: I will now take the lecher; he is at my     house; he cannot 'scape me; 'tis impossible he     should; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse,     nor into a pepper-box: but, lest the devil that     guides him should aid him, I will search     impossible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid,     yet to be what I would not shall not make me tame:     if I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb go     with me: I'll be horn-mad.     Exit

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